No is the new Yes.
Seven ways to make space for what matters most.
Are you sick of people telling you that you need to get better at saying no? Like you don't know that already! The skill of saying no in a way that opens up more space and greater ease in your life involves more than simply a good script.
When author and popular podcast host, Tim Ferriss was writing, Tribe of Mentors, 140 very accomplished and busy people said yes to his invitation to participate. Several others said no. Three of the people who said no, did so in a way that inspired him so much, he decided to print their refusals in his book.
When you can say no in a way that inspires the people you are turning down, you’ve done three things. You’ve given yourself full permission to protect your boundaries, you've developed the skill to do it well, and you’ve inspired others to do the same.
If you struggle to say no, here are 7 strategies for putting it back into your vocabulary in a way that garners respect and will make your life a little easier.
1. Get clear on your compelling yes.
Getting clear about why you are saying no, makes the whole process easier. When you know what matters more, it will clarify the real cost of saying yes. For years, I struggled to find time to write. It seemed that everything and everyone else came before my writing.
Finally, I decided that my work had to come first. My writing became my compelling yes. I set aside a specific time every day to write, and I said no to everything else for those first few hours of the day. Three things happened. Saying no became easier. Once people understood why I was saying no, they stopped asking. And the volume of my writing skyrocketed.
When you're clear and specific about what matters most to you, saying no to anything else becomes easier.
2. Be prepared to make tough trade-offs.
A common contributor to overwhelm is an allergy to making trade-offs. It's human nature to not want to choose between two attractive options. We don’t want to miss out. Ask yourself, if I say yes to this, what will I be saying no to by default?
Not choosing is a choice. It’s a choice to let someone or something else make the trade-off for you.
The smartest thing you can do for yourself and your peace of mind, is to embrace the fact that you have only one life, which means by extension, you can’t do it all and you can’t have it all.
3. Give yourself permission.
Guilt is a big driver of the obligations and commitments that make life stressful. A key problem may not be that everyone around you is unreasonable or asking too much of you. It may be that you have not given yourself full permission to say no. Your boundaries are not an indulgence; they are a necessity. They are not selfish; they are there to protect what matters most. It could be your mental and physical health, your family, or the work that you’re meant to do. I often find that the one who is most resistant to your no is not your boss, your colleagues, your family; it’s you.
When you believe that you have both the right and the responsibility to say no, your no will have gravitas.
4. Create the conditions to make it easier.
Take time to discern. Life can be a big buffet of intriguing opportunities and competing demands. The smartest thing to do when you're confronted with an opportunity that sounds interesting is pause. Give yourself the space to discern whether this is something that deserves your time. Think about the opportunity cost. What “yes” will not get my time if I do this?
Make rules that say no for you. How many yes / no decisions are routine, repetitive and time-wasting in your life? What are the things you never want to say yes to? Can you make a simple rule that turns many decisions into only one? Here's a small example. I have rule that I never say yes to telephone requests from people I don't know. Ever. As a result, the decision is already made for me, and the conversation is much shorter.
5. Say no once and say it like you mean it.
It’s not about the words. I read an article the other day that offered five scripts for saying no, none of which actually said no. They simply avoided saying yes and almost guaranteed another conversation. A script is a poor substitute for an authentic ‘no’ grounded in a sense of what matters most.
Don’t apologize. At best, an apology makes the other person feel bad for asking; at worst, it’s either a signal that you are feeling guilty about your decision or that your apology is insincere. A straightforward no is much more authentic and less irritating than a half-hearted apology.
Don’t offer long explanations. When it comes to saying no, a good rule of thumb is “less is more.” Long explanations sound weak, wishy-washy and irritating.
“Maybe later” or “not now” are not the same as no. While pausing to discern is a good practice if you are actually considering saying yes. Kicking the decision down the road because you are avoiding the discomfort of saying no, is not fair to the person asking the question. Rip off the band aid and say no now. If you’re being pressured to say yes when you need more time, a good rule of thumb is to say, “If you need to know now, my answer is no.”
6. Make your YES count.
Sometimes you have to say no to your boss or someone else in a position of authority. This can be daunting. However, when your norm is to deliver what you agree to, your no has a better chance of commanding the respect it deserves. When you never say no and then fail to deliver, neither your yes nor your no means anything.
7. Respect no from others, especially from people who have less authority than you.
When someone who reports to you or has less authority than you, says no, understand that this takes courage. If this is someone who you can usually count on, their no deserves your respect. Thank them for their consideration and tell them you understand and respect their boundary. Recently, I said no to a request from a colleague. Her response? “Gotcha! I love your clarity. It is serving you for sure!”
By championing others to honor their boundaries, you make saying no a more acceptable practice in your work culture.
Finally, remember that you are saying no, so you can say yes. Yes, to the people and things who matter most; yes, to your health and well-being; yes, to opportunities aligned to your values and sense of purpose.